Male Sexual Assault

** Gathered from RAINN.org

Men and boys are also the victims of the crimes of sexual assault, sexual abuse, and rape. In fact, in the U.S., over 10% of all victims are male.²

Male survivors and others affected by sexual violence can receive free, confidential, live help through RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotlines, 24/7. Call 1.800.656.HOPE to be connected to a local rape crisis center in your area, or visit the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline to get live help in an instant messaging format.

Stereotypes and Myths

There are various stereotypes and myths that impact male survivors' ability to face their sexual assault. These include:

• Men are immune to victimization.
• Men should be able to fight off attacks.
• Men shouldn't express emotion.
• Men enjoy all sex, so they must have enjoyed the assault.
• Male survivors are more likely to become sexual predators.

These stereotypes and myths can then lead to certain results for male victims of sexual assault, including:

• Dramatic loss of self-esteem
• Belief in their masculinity
• Self-blame
• Feelings of shame, guilt, anger
• Feelings of powerlessness, apprehension, withdrawal, and embarrassment
• Fears that they won't be able to protect and support their families
• Sexual difficulties
• Self-destructive behavior (drinking, drug use, aggression)
• Intimacy issues
• Questioning of sexual identity

Barriers

Male survivors of sexual assault also may experience certain barriers to seeking support or services, either from friends and family or from organizations and institutions.

Support

• It can be difficult for men to seek help for fear of how others will judge them.
• Responses from friends and family can be damaging or unsupportive.

Safety

• Threats to the victim of a sexual assault or his family may have been made by the perpetrator. This may cause him to keep silent.
• In institutions, he may be forced to keep silent through implied and real threats both by the perpetrator and/or by others within the institution.

Privacy

• He may resist reporting the sexual assault due to the need to repeat the story over and over again to police, to prosecutors, and in court.
• He may be unwilling to share details of the assault in order to protect his family from societal judgment.

Self-blame

• He may blame himself for the attack because he was not able to fight the aggressor off.
• He may think that the assault was not rape because he became sexually aroused during the attack (i.e., he had an erection or ejaculated). This is a normal physiological reaction, NOT a sign of enjoyment.

Aftermath

Male survivors of sexual assault may experience a variety of effects that have an impact on their well-being.

Psychological

• Sense of self and concept of "reality" are disrupted
• Profound anxiety, depression, fearfulness, and identity confusion
• Development of phobias related to the assault setting
• Hypochondriacal symptoms (imaginary ailments)
• Paranoia and obsessive fear of bodily harm
• Withdrawal from interpersonal contact and a heightened sense of alienation
• Stress-induced psycho-physiological reactions
• Psychological outcomes can be severe for men because men are socialized to believe that they are immune to sexual assault and because societal reactions to these assaults can be more isolating and stigmatizing.

Heterosexual Men

• He may experience “homosexual panic”- a fear that the assault will make him “become homosexual.”
• He may feel that he is less of a man.

Homosexual Men

• He may feel that he is being “punished” for his sexual orientation.
• He may fear that he was targeted as a member of the homosexual community. This fear may lead him to withdraw from that community.
• He may develop self-loathing related to his sexual orientation.

Relationships / Intimacy

• Relationships may be disrupted by the assault.
• Relationships may be disrupted by other's reactions to the assault such as a lack of belief/support.
• Relationships may also be disrupted by the victim's reactions to the assault.

Emotional

• Anger about the assault can lead to hostility.
• Similarly, the overwhelming emotions that come with surviving a sexual assault can lead to emotional withdrawal.

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, it’s not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotlines (800.656.HOPE and online.rainn.org).

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References

1. This section was adapted from materials provided by the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault.
2. U.S. Department of Justice. 2003 National Crime Victimization Survey. 2003.

Regaining Her Voice: Shelby’s Story

How old were you at the time of the assault (s)? 5, 13 and16

How old are you currently: 17

Where did the assault(s) happen: Family friend’s house, Boyfriend’s house, Park near my house

Did you know the person(s) who committed the assault(s): Yes, Yes and No

Did you tell anyone about the assault (s) at the time: No, No, Yes

Did the assault (s) go to a court trial? No

Was there a sentencing? No

Do you think they will commit sexual assault again? Yes

What would you like to say to people about sexual assault? It is not your fault.

What would you like to say about this project? I learned about it while researching for my junior year persuasive research paper on sex without consent. It gave me hope.

What is your story?

I was 5 at the time. I went to my mom’s best friend’s house with her. My mother and her friend left to go grocery shopping and my mother’s friend’s son who was 10 at the time was babysitting me. He took me under a blanket in the middle of the living room floor and began touching me and was very sexually inappropriate with me. I can still picture this quite clearly and like I said, I was only 5 at the time. It traumatized me.

I was 13 at the time. I went over to my boyfriend’s house. We were downstairs with two of his friends also there. He had me lay on the couch next to him. He covered us with a blanket. He then covered our heads and we started kissing. He reached into my pants and I told him, “No.” He told me, “Just let me try.” I closed my eyes. I didn’t like him touching me and I just wanted him to stop but I was too afraid to say anything. Why would he listen the second time? He called it “playing rockband” because his two friends actually were playing rockband. He asked several times “Is this okay? Are you okay?” I was silent. He obviously knew I didn’t like it but he never stopped. I blame myself for my silence the whole time. I feel I could have done more to stop it but I was too afraid in the moment. It traumatized me.

I was 16 at the time. I met this guy who was by the looks, between 18 and 25 on facebook. I made an impulsive decision and snuck out of my house in the middle of the night and went to drive around with him. We drove around town for about 10 minutes and then he brought us to a park about 2 minutes away from my house. We walked around the park, sat at a picnic table, walked some more, sat by the river, and we talked. He kept asking why I was so quiet. I told him I was just tired. I felt like it was supposed to be romantic, but something felt wrong the whole time. We both got cold so we went back to his vehicle. He said, “Let’s get in the back.” I said, “No.” He opened the back door and pushed me in. I was afraid of his force so I tried to cooperate. He climbed in on the other side. I sat there and he stared at me. He told me to cuddle up to him and pulled me close. I let him. He told me to kiss him, I didn’t move. He pulled my chin up so I was facing him and he kissed me. I let him. He told me to lay down and I told him I wouldn’t. He forced me down and I hit my head on the door. He was joking around how his vehicle wasn’t big enough. I said it’s perfectly fine if we don’t do anything. He told me I was beautiful about every 30 seconds and then would try to kiss me and touch me. I pulled his hands off. He tried pulling down my pants. I grabbed his arms and said, “No.” He said, “Please, mine will stay on. I promise. You’re so beautiful.” I told him, “No.” He then pulled my legs apart and started touching me through my sweatpants. He was very forceful and I was fighting it. I tried pushing him off me and closing my legs but nothing worked. I fought so hard and said, “No! Stop!” so many times but he kept on. He finally stopped and pulled me on top of him to cuddle with him again. I told him I had to get home before my mom’s boyfriend woke up. After some intense convincing, he got out and sat in the front on the passenger’s side and told me to sit on his lap. I did. I was so afraid and wanted to go home so badly without being hurt any more that I listened. He kept telling me to kiss him. I kept telling him I had to leave. He finally got out after a while and went to the driver’s side. He drove me home and it was the quietest longest two minutes of my life... anticipating going home and finally being safe... well safer. He dropped me off and texted me right when I got inside. I didn’t answer. He called various times throughout the next couple weeks. I never answered. He mailed me on facebook and told me that “I got the wrong idea.” I never responded. Once I got home and into the bathroom, I saw blood. I knew I wasn’t on my period yet and my vagina really hurt. I stayed in bed the whole next day. I told a friend and he told me I had to tell my mom. I never told her. I told another friend and he told me to tell the police. I never told them. I was so afraid of what would happen to him. I was actually worried about him and I didn’t want him to pay for what he did. I also didn’t want to tell so I wouldn’t get in trouble for sneaking out. I was traumatized.

I went to treatment several times and finally told my counselor about the abuse. She reported it to the rape and abuse crisis center and I had to report it to them too. My parents were there and found out about it all from them. My mom jokingly said afterward, “Well we’ll have to put bars on your windows now.

Moving On, Living in the Moment

One of the most difficult things I have experienced from healing from sexual assault is moving on with my life and living in the moment. I felt like I had lost so much of my childhood and one day I was an "adult" but I felt as if I was stuck in time and I was still 14 years old, but I wasn't, the years were flying by. I felt as if I had lost so much time and I was afraid to lose more so I started to be so consumed with time, and doing things as fast as possible and feeling as if I could never accomplish anything I wanted. I also felt as if I was going through the motions, that I wasn't really living, I could not live in the momemnt. I was so consumed with the past and where I was going that I never focused on where I was in the present moment. Now, eleven years later I am still trying to practice living in the moment. I am taking this time, in the last few days of 2011, to remind myself how much I want to continue to practice and learn how to live in the moment. I am urge you to do the same thing. We can't live in the past, nor can we live in the future. We only have this moment and we need the live it.

Healing Horses

When I was little I rode horses all the time. I became completely addicted to them and every time my parents and I went on a drive they would always shout out, "Horse!” when they saw a farm and I went on a trail ride every time we traveled. Horses are so powerful, strong and magical. I was never afraid of them until one time, due to an unfortunate set of circumstances, I was thrown off. I was bedridden and in the worst pain I had ever been in due to a back injury, I even had to drop college classes because of it. The one thing I loved so much, had hurt me and I became afraid and it was heartbreaking. They became scary and unpredictable and my childlike wonder completely vanished and a harsh reality of these beautiful animals set in, that working with them could harm me. Then in 2008 when I was working on my BA in psychology we had several personal topics come up and I recall talking about how much I missed horses. My instructor encouraged me to face my fears and find again what my soul used to enjoy. So I did. I found a barn and started taking lessons. But my fear was still there; it even got to the point that I would have panic attacks and such extreme anxiety I could not even physically get on the horse. But I continued to push through, knowing that the fear I felt was a small price to pay for the joy and extreme exhilaration I felt after working with a horse. In 2009 I decided I wanted my own horse and I got Tango.  I loved him and the two of us got along perfectly, but then out of nowhere my anxiety, fear and panic attacks came back and for a while even just being near a horse would give me a panic attack. I couldn't ride him any longer. But I didn't give up. I started taking natural horsemanship lessons and working on groundwork and taking more lessons and this year I can finally walk, trot, lope on a horse without having a panic attack! I did my senior project in school on Equine Assisted Psychotherapy and spoke about the healing power of horses as facilitators into our own insight and healing process and I have experienced first hand. Being a survivor of sexual assault it was so emotionally healing to know that I could control a 1200 pound animal, that I could tell him what to do and he would listen, that I too was powerful, could be the alpha and be strong and confident. When I work with horses I walk away feeling as if I could do anything in the world and being able to experience that feeling after feeling completely powerless during an assault has been incredibly healing and I highly recommend survivors to look into therapeutic horse centers. Contact me if you have any questions and I would be happy to help!

My Story of Healing and Strength: Victim vs Survivor vs Living

I have been a rape survivor for 11 years now and I am starting to feel the label of being a "rape victim" slowly starting to rub off of my forehead. It is a long and difficult process to go from being ME to being a victim of a violent crime, to a survivor. I have come to the conclusion that I am both victim and survivor but the meanings change over time. I guess one could also look at it as I was a victim at the time of the rape and as soon as I was able to walk away alive I became a survivor, but that is something that can take time to own. This and many things lead to the difficulty of knowing your identity after being raped. At age 14 I was just trying to discover who I was as a person, then after being raped, I needed to discover who I was despite of it, and let me tell you, honestly, it took years. It is not that I disappeared completely, but that my true self was overshadowed by my victimization and as I slowly stopped feeling like a victim and more of a survivor. I was able to surface again, like coming to the top of the water to take a gulp of air. I no longer think of my assault on a daily basis, my fear of being raped again is no longer a compulsive thought, which for me was a huge step in the healing process. At the beginning I felt as if I had a big sign on me that said, "I was raped." I felt as if everyone knew and was looking at me and judging me. After I stopping feeling like a victim and more like a survivor, which by the way the definition from the dictionary is below:

Definition of SURVIVE from www.merriam-webster.com

intransitive verb

1

: to remain alive or in existence : live on

2

: to continue to function or prosper

So I was obviously surviving, I was breathing, waking up in the morning and going about my day. I was functioning. But I was not LIVING. I was existing and going through the motions of life, but not fully feeling it or experiencing it. I feel as if I am now finally starting to live, it took almost 10 years to feel this way and there was not one single event or day that I felt a change but just realizing that I did not think about my assault or have the fear of being assaulted again for a few days. That I went out at night with out feeling fear. That I am starting to pursue things that I enjoy and that make me happy. I am finally LIVING.

And I love it.

My Story of Healing and Strength: Intro

It has been 11 years since my sexual assault and 11 years since I started my path on learning how to heal and gather my strength to become the person I was meant to be, despite the fact I was raped at 14. I would like to begin posting frequently under "My Story of Healing and Strength" in hope others walking down the same path can gather hope from my posts. You will also see posts under "Healing Power of Horses" and "Phototherapy" as these are two of the things that have helped me immensely on my journey. Good luck on your journey, I look forward to sharing mine with you.