Meeting Tango

I would like you all to meet someone. His name is Tango and he is my horse. Tango is one of the biggest factors in my healing process. Working with animals in general I find to be so therapeutic, they force you to become present in the moment, animals are honest in a way I find human's aren't.

Besides riding a horse, ground work is such a powerful modality. The idea that I can get a 1,000 pound animal to move around and do what I am asking of him is so empowering. That many years ago a 200 pound man overpowered me, but I have control over my space of an animal that is 5x that is just amazing.

Tango and I found each other 3 years ago, when his previous owner brought him out of the pasture he looked directly at me, walked to me and put his head against my stomach. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged his head and I knew he would be mine.

Today he has helped build my self-esteem and self-worth up more than any human could. He mirrors how I am feeling in the moment and that gives me the opportunity to pause and reflect that is going on with me. When he closes his eyes and we are forehead to forehead, I am truly 100% present and it is an amazing feeling.

Here is my Tango.

Male Sexual Assault

** Gathered from RAINN.org

Men and boys are also the victims of the crimes of sexual assault, sexual abuse, and rape. In fact, in the U.S., over 10% of all victims are male.²

Male survivors and others affected by sexual violence can receive free, confidential, live help through RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotlines, 24/7. Call 1.800.656.HOPE to be connected to a local rape crisis center in your area, or visit the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline to get live help in an instant messaging format.

Stereotypes and Myths

There are various stereotypes and myths that impact male survivors' ability to face their sexual assault. These include:

• Men are immune to victimization.
• Men should be able to fight off attacks.
• Men shouldn't express emotion.
• Men enjoy all sex, so they must have enjoyed the assault.
• Male survivors are more likely to become sexual predators.

These stereotypes and myths can then lead to certain results for male victims of sexual assault, including:

• Dramatic loss of self-esteem
• Belief in their masculinity
• Self-blame
• Feelings of shame, guilt, anger
• Feelings of powerlessness, apprehension, withdrawal, and embarrassment
• Fears that they won't be able to protect and support their families
• Sexual difficulties
• Self-destructive behavior (drinking, drug use, aggression)
• Intimacy issues
• Questioning of sexual identity

Barriers

Male survivors of sexual assault also may experience certain barriers to seeking support or services, either from friends and family or from organizations and institutions.

Support

• It can be difficult for men to seek help for fear of how others will judge them.
• Responses from friends and family can be damaging or unsupportive.

Safety

• Threats to the victim of a sexual assault or his family may have been made by the perpetrator. This may cause him to keep silent.
• In institutions, he may be forced to keep silent through implied and real threats both by the perpetrator and/or by others within the institution.

Privacy

• He may resist reporting the sexual assault due to the need to repeat the story over and over again to police, to prosecutors, and in court.
• He may be unwilling to share details of the assault in order to protect his family from societal judgment.

Self-blame

• He may blame himself for the attack because he was not able to fight the aggressor off.
• He may think that the assault was not rape because he became sexually aroused during the attack (i.e., he had an erection or ejaculated). This is a normal physiological reaction, NOT a sign of enjoyment.

Aftermath

Male survivors of sexual assault may experience a variety of effects that have an impact on their well-being.

Psychological

• Sense of self and concept of "reality" are disrupted
• Profound anxiety, depression, fearfulness, and identity confusion
• Development of phobias related to the assault setting
• Hypochondriacal symptoms (imaginary ailments)
• Paranoia and obsessive fear of bodily harm
• Withdrawal from interpersonal contact and a heightened sense of alienation
• Stress-induced psycho-physiological reactions
• Psychological outcomes can be severe for men because men are socialized to believe that they are immune to sexual assault and because societal reactions to these assaults can be more isolating and stigmatizing.

Heterosexual Men

• He may experience “homosexual panic”- a fear that the assault will make him “become homosexual.”
• He may feel that he is less of a man.

Homosexual Men

• He may feel that he is being “punished” for his sexual orientation.
• He may fear that he was targeted as a member of the homosexual community. This fear may lead him to withdraw from that community.
• He may develop self-loathing related to his sexual orientation.

Relationships / Intimacy

• Relationships may be disrupted by the assault.
• Relationships may be disrupted by other's reactions to the assault such as a lack of belief/support.
• Relationships may also be disrupted by the victim's reactions to the assault.

Emotional

• Anger about the assault can lead to hostility.
• Similarly, the overwhelming emotions that come with surviving a sexual assault can lead to emotional withdrawal.

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, it’s not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotlines (800.656.HOPE and online.rainn.org).

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References

1. This section was adapted from materials provided by the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault.
2. U.S. Department of Justice. 2003 National Crime Victimization Survey. 2003.

My Story of Healing and Strength: Victim vs Survivor vs Living

I have been a rape survivor for 11 years now and I am starting to feel the label of being a "rape victim" slowly starting to rub off of my forehead. It is a long and difficult process to go from being ME to being a victim of a violent crime, to a survivor. I have come to the conclusion that I am both victim and survivor but the meanings change over time. I guess one could also look at it as I was a victim at the time of the rape and as soon as I was able to walk away alive I became a survivor, but that is something that can take time to own. This and many things lead to the difficulty of knowing your identity after being raped. At age 14 I was just trying to discover who I was as a person, then after being raped, I needed to discover who I was despite of it, and let me tell you, honestly, it took years. It is not that I disappeared completely, but that my true self was overshadowed by my victimization and as I slowly stopped feeling like a victim and more of a survivor. I was able to surface again, like coming to the top of the water to take a gulp of air. I no longer think of my assault on a daily basis, my fear of being raped again is no longer a compulsive thought, which for me was a huge step in the healing process. At the beginning I felt as if I had a big sign on me that said, "I was raped." I felt as if everyone knew and was looking at me and judging me. After I stopping feeling like a victim and more like a survivor, which by the way the definition from the dictionary is below:

Definition of SURVIVE from www.merriam-webster.com

intransitive verb

1

: to remain alive or in existence : live on

2

: to continue to function or prosper

So I was obviously surviving, I was breathing, waking up in the morning and going about my day. I was functioning. But I was not LIVING. I was existing and going through the motions of life, but not fully feeling it or experiencing it. I feel as if I am now finally starting to live, it took almost 10 years to feel this way and there was not one single event or day that I felt a change but just realizing that I did not think about my assault or have the fear of being assaulted again for a few days. That I went out at night with out feeling fear. That I am starting to pursue things that I enjoy and that make me happy. I am finally LIVING.

And I love it.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness, can one truly forgive the person who harmed them? I was recently asked if I forgive the man who raped me. My first response was, "Yes I chose to forgive him in order to move on and not be a bitter and hateful person. Later on in the conversation I was asked if I truly, honestly, really forgave him. When I heard it phrased that way I realized, no, I haven't really fully and freely forgiven him, I don't think it is possible for me to ever be able to say to him, "Oh, no big deal, I got over it, you are truly forgiven." I think "Forgiveness" is something we need to say has been given in order for us to start to heal, to be able to give something back to the universe, that we no longer hold the responsibility to contain that anger within us everyday. I think there comes a time when many feel they need to be able to let go of some aspect of their feelings, but maybe "forgiveness" is the wrong phrase to use in this step of the healing process. I think some people may also think that they are a "bad" person if they don't show "forgiveness" and it is something that is expected of us. Once I was able to release some of the negativity and hatred (as much as I dislike using this word, nothing else really compares) I felt towards him, I think I was able to concentrate more of my energy and effort on myself and moving forward with my life and the process of healing myself and my loved ones. I try not to think of him much, I try not to think of the anger and resentment I carry for him, because it brings me down. I wish he could feel the pain he has inflicted on my 100 times over, but I don't think it would change him, and that is not within my power and to wish this against him doesn't make me a happy person, but an angry and depressed one. Therefore I have had to let go of what I can't control and carry the wish that what comes around goes around and good people are rewarded and the others suffer in their own ways. What do you think about forgiveness?  Do you think you could ever truly forgive the ones who assaulted or abused you?