Moving On, Living in the Moment

One of the most difficult things I have experienced from healing from sexual assault is moving on with my life and living in the moment. I felt like I had lost so much of my childhood and one day I was an "adult" but I felt as if I was stuck in time and I was still 14 years old, but I wasn't, the years were flying by. I felt as if I had lost so much time and I was afraid to lose more so I started to be so consumed with time, and doing things as fast as possible and feeling as if I could never accomplish anything I wanted. I also felt as if I was going through the motions, that I wasn't really living, I could not live in the momemnt. I was so consumed with the past and where I was going that I never focused on where I was in the present moment. Now, eleven years later I am still trying to practice living in the moment. I am taking this time, in the last few days of 2011, to remind myself how much I want to continue to practice and learn how to live in the moment. I am urge you to do the same thing. We can't live in the past, nor can we live in the future. We only have this moment and we need the live it.

Healing Horses

When I was little I rode horses all the time. I became completely addicted to them and every time my parents and I went on a drive they would always shout out, "Horse!” when they saw a farm and I went on a trail ride every time we traveled. Horses are so powerful, strong and magical. I was never afraid of them until one time, due to an unfortunate set of circumstances, I was thrown off. I was bedridden and in the worst pain I had ever been in due to a back injury, I even had to drop college classes because of it. The one thing I loved so much, had hurt me and I became afraid and it was heartbreaking. They became scary and unpredictable and my childlike wonder completely vanished and a harsh reality of these beautiful animals set in, that working with them could harm me. Then in 2008 when I was working on my BA in psychology we had several personal topics come up and I recall talking about how much I missed horses. My instructor encouraged me to face my fears and find again what my soul used to enjoy. So I did. I found a barn and started taking lessons. But my fear was still there; it even got to the point that I would have panic attacks and such extreme anxiety I could not even physically get on the horse. But I continued to push through, knowing that the fear I felt was a small price to pay for the joy and extreme exhilaration I felt after working with a horse. In 2009 I decided I wanted my own horse and I got Tango.  I loved him and the two of us got along perfectly, but then out of nowhere my anxiety, fear and panic attacks came back and for a while even just being near a horse would give me a panic attack. I couldn't ride him any longer. But I didn't give up. I started taking natural horsemanship lessons and working on groundwork and taking more lessons and this year I can finally walk, trot, lope on a horse without having a panic attack! I did my senior project in school on Equine Assisted Psychotherapy and spoke about the healing power of horses as facilitators into our own insight and healing process and I have experienced first hand. Being a survivor of sexual assault it was so emotionally healing to know that I could control a 1200 pound animal, that I could tell him what to do and he would listen, that I too was powerful, could be the alpha and be strong and confident. When I work with horses I walk away feeling as if I could do anything in the world and being able to experience that feeling after feeling completely powerless during an assault has been incredibly healing and I highly recommend survivors to look into therapeutic horse centers. Contact me if you have any questions and I would be happy to help!

My Story of Healing and Strength: Victim vs Survivor vs Living

I have been a rape survivor for 11 years now and I am starting to feel the label of being a "rape victim" slowly starting to rub off of my forehead. It is a long and difficult process to go from being ME to being a victim of a violent crime, to a survivor. I have come to the conclusion that I am both victim and survivor but the meanings change over time. I guess one could also look at it as I was a victim at the time of the rape and as soon as I was able to walk away alive I became a survivor, but that is something that can take time to own. This and many things lead to the difficulty of knowing your identity after being raped. At age 14 I was just trying to discover who I was as a person, then after being raped, I needed to discover who I was despite of it, and let me tell you, honestly, it took years. It is not that I disappeared completely, but that my true self was overshadowed by my victimization and as I slowly stopped feeling like a victim and more of a survivor. I was able to surface again, like coming to the top of the water to take a gulp of air. I no longer think of my assault on a daily basis, my fear of being raped again is no longer a compulsive thought, which for me was a huge step in the healing process. At the beginning I felt as if I had a big sign on me that said, "I was raped." I felt as if everyone knew and was looking at me and judging me. After I stopping feeling like a victim and more like a survivor, which by the way the definition from the dictionary is below:

Definition of SURVIVE from www.merriam-webster.com

intransitive verb

1

: to remain alive or in existence : live on

2

: to continue to function or prosper

So I was obviously surviving, I was breathing, waking up in the morning and going about my day. I was functioning. But I was not LIVING. I was existing and going through the motions of life, but not fully feeling it or experiencing it. I feel as if I am now finally starting to live, it took almost 10 years to feel this way and there was not one single event or day that I felt a change but just realizing that I did not think about my assault or have the fear of being assaulted again for a few days. That I went out at night with out feeling fear. That I am starting to pursue things that I enjoy and that make me happy. I am finally LIVING.

And I love it.

My Story of Healing and Strength: Intro

It has been 11 years since my sexual assault and 11 years since I started my path on learning how to heal and gather my strength to become the person I was meant to be, despite the fact I was raped at 14. I would like to begin posting frequently under "My Story of Healing and Strength" in hope others walking down the same path can gather hope from my posts. You will also see posts under "Healing Power of Horses" and "Phototherapy" as these are two of the things that have helped me immensely on my journey. Good luck on your journey, I look forward to sharing mine with you.

Regain Your Voice: New Design!

Welcome to the NEW Regain Your Voice site! A very special thank you to Claudia Sutton for designing the new site! I look forward to posting on the new site!

Eliina

Ways to Protect Yourself and be Aware

*Information gathered from RAINN

While you can never completely protect yourself from sexual assault, there are some things you can do to help reduce your risk of being assaulted. These are some of my personal tips I follow that are recommended by RAINN.

• Be aware of your surroundings. Knowing where you are and who is around you may help you to find a way to get out of a bad situation. If I am going some place new I always make sure I have my gps with me or a map printed out and someone knows where I am going and when I should be back.
• Try to avoid isolated areas. It is more difficult to get help if no one is around. I avoid isolated areas like the plague, I also fully try to trust my gut instincts and if something doesn’t feel right I leave. Which is also the reason I always drive myself places and don’t catch rides with friends.
• Walk with purpose. Even if you don’t know where you are going, act like you do. I always try to walk with strong tall posture, keys in one pocket, cell phone in the other and I look straight ahead and walk with a purpose.
• Trust your instincts. If a situation or location feels unsafe or uncomfortable, it probably isn’t the best place to be. I am always ready to leave someplace I don’t feel comfortable and always have a backup plan incase I start to feel uncomfortable.
• Try not to load yourself down with packages or bags as this can make you appear more vulnerable. When ever I am going to my car I have my keys in hand and try to have one hand free, and I am quick. I don’t hang around my car fiddling with shopping bag, door is opened, bags in and as I close my door I lock it instantaneously. It has become a habit.
• Make sure your cell phone is with you and charged and that you have cab money. I need to get better about having some form of money on me, but I never go anyplace with out my phone.
• Don't allow yourself to be isolated with someone you don’t trust or someone you don’t know. This is the reason why I always drive myself places.
• Avoid putting music headphones in both ears so that you can be more aware of your surroundings, especially if you are walking alone. A must, very important in order to be fully aware of your surroundings.

Sexual assault is a crime of motive and opportunity. Ultimately, there is no surefire way to prevent an attack. If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, it’s not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotlines at 1-800.656.HOPE, and online at rainn.org