New Project Idea

When I started this project in 2004 in San Francisco, CA my goal was to empower Survivors, to give them back the voice that was once lost or was not heard. I started by meeting and photographing women in SF and the Bay Area. I also met with women in San Jose and Santa Cruz who opened their hearts and shared their stories with me. As I wanted to expand the project it was difficult to find a way to meet to them in person to photograph them to help share their stories.

With the prevalence of social media now I have been thinking of a way to open up the project world wide with it being easily accessible for participation.

My goal is to have a photo of each survivor with the caption "I'm a Survivor". They can also share their story and Regain their Voice.

Below is a sample:

Please help spread the word, participate, share, help bring awareness to sexual assault. For survivors to heal and to help with prevention. You can be apart of something big! #regainyourvoice

Happy New Year

Happy 2013 to you all. We have all made it this far on our healing journey and I wish you all well. When things get tough just take is one day at a time; and I always say when things get really hard, take life one second at a time. Just remember that in this world there is always someone who loves you.

Healing thoughts,

<3 eliina

Call for Submissions!

Meeting Tango

I would like you all to meet someone. His name is Tango and he is my horse. Tango is one of the biggest factors in my healing process. Working with animals in general I find to be so therapeutic, they force you to become present in the moment, animals are honest in a way I find human's aren't.

Besides riding a horse, ground work is such a powerful modality. The idea that I can get a 1,000 pound animal to move around and do what I am asking of him is so empowering. That many years ago a 200 pound man overpowered me, but I have control over my space of an animal that is 5x that is just amazing.

Tango and I found each other 3 years ago, when his previous owner brought him out of the pasture he looked directly at me, walked to me and put his head against my stomach. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged his head and I knew he would be mine.

Today he has helped build my self-esteem and self-worth up more than any human could. He mirrors how I am feeling in the moment and that gives me the opportunity to pause and reflect that is going on with me. When he closes his eyes and we are forehead to forehead, I am truly 100% present and it is an amazing feeling.

Here is my Tango.

Enjoying the simple things in life

This is a great video I found online, it is about ducks that were rescued from an abusive environment and they had never been in water before. At first they are very unsure, even afraid of something that should be innate to them. Then once they knew what it is, to see the joy they are experiencing is beautiful. It made me think about survivors like us who may be afraid to experience things in life due to past trauma, but look at how much joy there is to be had if we just take a risk and jump into that water!


Rescued ducks experience water for first time in amusing video

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS

I am embarking on taking Regain Your Voice to book form to help other survivors of sexual abuse.  I am titling the book:

Regaining Their Voice: Stories of Healing and Strength 

I am inviting you to share your story with others, of your of healing and strength to help others in their journey to healing from sexual abuse.

To share your story please click on the link below to submit your story anonymously.

Submit Your Story of Healing and Strength

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM): What will you be doing?

Check out CALCASA to see what they are doing!


When I was living in California every year in Santa Cruz we had Denim Day.

Denim Day, an event across California and the nation in which participants wear denim to “speak out against sexual violence.” 

In recognition of Sexual Assault Awareness Month, Denim Day is a an opportunity for rape crisis centers and rape prevention programs across the state to engage their communities, public officials and stakeholders, and shine the light on the issue of sexual assault.

In the 12 years that it has existed, Denim Day has galvanized public and private business, students, legislature, funders and the public at-large. It has symbolically helped this movement to build awareness, momentum and to engage new allies in the work of eliminating sexual violence.

Denim day was born in 1999, when the Italian Supreme Court overturned a rape conviction because the victim was wearing tight jeans. The Judge argued, “because the victim wore very, very tight jeans, she had to help him remove them,” concluding “it was no longer rape but consensual sex.”

Please join the CALCASA staff and rape crisis centers across California and the nation and those committed to eliminating sexual violence, by wearing jeans as a symbol of protest against destructive attitudes about sexual assault. (from calcasa.org)

11 Warning Signs of Depression from Yahoo! Health

Depression can range from everyday blues to something more serious. Being a survivor puts you at greater risk for suffering from depression. Below is an excellent article listing warning signs of depression. If you think you may have depression, there is treatment that can help, please talk to your Dr if you are experiencing and of the signs and symptoms below:

1. Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

2. Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or helplessness

3. Frequent crying episodes

4. Increased agitation and restlessness

5. Fatigue and decreased energy

6. Loss of interest in activities or hobbies that were once pleasurable

7. Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

8. Sleeping too much or not enough

9. Poor appetite or overeating

10. Expressing thoughts of dying or suicide

 **Call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255**

11. Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that don't ease with treatment

Here is the link to the full article:

11 Warning Signs of Depression | Yahoo! Health

Male Sexual Assault

** Gathered from RAINN.org

Men and boys are also the victims of the crimes of sexual assault, sexual abuse, and rape. In fact, in the U.S., over 10% of all victims are male.²

Male survivors and others affected by sexual violence can receive free, confidential, live help through RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotlines, 24/7. Call 1.800.656.HOPE to be connected to a local rape crisis center in your area, or visit the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline to get live help in an instant messaging format.

Stereotypes and Myths

There are various stereotypes and myths that impact male survivors' ability to face their sexual assault. These include:

• Men are immune to victimization.
• Men should be able to fight off attacks.
• Men shouldn't express emotion.
• Men enjoy all sex, so they must have enjoyed the assault.
• Male survivors are more likely to become sexual predators.

These stereotypes and myths can then lead to certain results for male victims of sexual assault, including:

• Dramatic loss of self-esteem
• Belief in their masculinity
• Self-blame
• Feelings of shame, guilt, anger
• Feelings of powerlessness, apprehension, withdrawal, and embarrassment
• Fears that they won't be able to protect and support their families
• Sexual difficulties
• Self-destructive behavior (drinking, drug use, aggression)
• Intimacy issues
• Questioning of sexual identity

Barriers

Male survivors of sexual assault also may experience certain barriers to seeking support or services, either from friends and family or from organizations and institutions.

Support

• It can be difficult for men to seek help for fear of how others will judge them.
• Responses from friends and family can be damaging or unsupportive.

Safety

• Threats to the victim of a sexual assault or his family may have been made by the perpetrator. This may cause him to keep silent.
• In institutions, he may be forced to keep silent through implied and real threats both by the perpetrator and/or by others within the institution.

Privacy

• He may resist reporting the sexual assault due to the need to repeat the story over and over again to police, to prosecutors, and in court.
• He may be unwilling to share details of the assault in order to protect his family from societal judgment.

Self-blame

• He may blame himself for the attack because he was not able to fight the aggressor off.
• He may think that the assault was not rape because he became sexually aroused during the attack (i.e., he had an erection or ejaculated). This is a normal physiological reaction, NOT a sign of enjoyment.

Aftermath

Male survivors of sexual assault may experience a variety of effects that have an impact on their well-being.

Psychological

• Sense of self and concept of "reality" are disrupted
• Profound anxiety, depression, fearfulness, and identity confusion
• Development of phobias related to the assault setting
• Hypochondriacal symptoms (imaginary ailments)
• Paranoia and obsessive fear of bodily harm
• Withdrawal from interpersonal contact and a heightened sense of alienation
• Stress-induced psycho-physiological reactions
• Psychological outcomes can be severe for men because men are socialized to believe that they are immune to sexual assault and because societal reactions to these assaults can be more isolating and stigmatizing.

Heterosexual Men

• He may experience “homosexual panic”- a fear that the assault will make him “become homosexual.”
• He may feel that he is less of a man.

Homosexual Men

• He may feel that he is being “punished” for his sexual orientation.
• He may fear that he was targeted as a member of the homosexual community. This fear may lead him to withdraw from that community.
• He may develop self-loathing related to his sexual orientation.

Relationships / Intimacy

• Relationships may be disrupted by the assault.
• Relationships may be disrupted by other's reactions to the assault such as a lack of belief/support.
• Relationships may also be disrupted by the victim's reactions to the assault.

Emotional

• Anger about the assault can lead to hostility.
• Similarly, the overwhelming emotions that come with surviving a sexual assault can lead to emotional withdrawal.

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, it’s not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotlines (800.656.HOPE and online.rainn.org).

---

References

1. This section was adapted from materials provided by the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault.
2. U.S. Department of Justice. 2003 National Crime Victimization Survey. 2003.

Regaining Her Voice: Shelby’s Story

How old were you at the time of the assault (s)? 5, 13 and16

How old are you currently: 17

Where did the assault(s) happen: Family friend’s house, Boyfriend’s house, Park near my house

Did you know the person(s) who committed the assault(s): Yes, Yes and No

Did you tell anyone about the assault (s) at the time: No, No, Yes

Did the assault (s) go to a court trial? No

Was there a sentencing? No

Do you think they will commit sexual assault again? Yes

What would you like to say to people about sexual assault? It is not your fault.

What would you like to say about this project? I learned about it while researching for my junior year persuasive research paper on sex without consent. It gave me hope.

What is your story?

I was 5 at the time. I went to my mom’s best friend’s house with her. My mother and her friend left to go grocery shopping and my mother’s friend’s son who was 10 at the time was babysitting me. He took me under a blanket in the middle of the living room floor and began touching me and was very sexually inappropriate with me. I can still picture this quite clearly and like I said, I was only 5 at the time. It traumatized me.

I was 13 at the time. I went over to my boyfriend’s house. We were downstairs with two of his friends also there. He had me lay on the couch next to him. He covered us with a blanket. He then covered our heads and we started kissing. He reached into my pants and I told him, “No.” He told me, “Just let me try.” I closed my eyes. I didn’t like him touching me and I just wanted him to stop but I was too afraid to say anything. Why would he listen the second time? He called it “playing rockband” because his two friends actually were playing rockband. He asked several times “Is this okay? Are you okay?” I was silent. He obviously knew I didn’t like it but he never stopped. I blame myself for my silence the whole time. I feel I could have done more to stop it but I was too afraid in the moment. It traumatized me.

I was 16 at the time. I met this guy who was by the looks, between 18 and 25 on facebook. I made an impulsive decision and snuck out of my house in the middle of the night and went to drive around with him. We drove around town for about 10 minutes and then he brought us to a park about 2 minutes away from my house. We walked around the park, sat at a picnic table, walked some more, sat by the river, and we talked. He kept asking why I was so quiet. I told him I was just tired. I felt like it was supposed to be romantic, but something felt wrong the whole time. We both got cold so we went back to his vehicle. He said, “Let’s get in the back.” I said, “No.” He opened the back door and pushed me in. I was afraid of his force so I tried to cooperate. He climbed in on the other side. I sat there and he stared at me. He told me to cuddle up to him and pulled me close. I let him. He told me to kiss him, I didn’t move. He pulled my chin up so I was facing him and he kissed me. I let him. He told me to lay down and I told him I wouldn’t. He forced me down and I hit my head on the door. He was joking around how his vehicle wasn’t big enough. I said it’s perfectly fine if we don’t do anything. He told me I was beautiful about every 30 seconds and then would try to kiss me and touch me. I pulled his hands off. He tried pulling down my pants. I grabbed his arms and said, “No.” He said, “Please, mine will stay on. I promise. You’re so beautiful.” I told him, “No.” He then pulled my legs apart and started touching me through my sweatpants. He was very forceful and I was fighting it. I tried pushing him off me and closing my legs but nothing worked. I fought so hard and said, “No! Stop!” so many times but he kept on. He finally stopped and pulled me on top of him to cuddle with him again. I told him I had to get home before my mom’s boyfriend woke up. After some intense convincing, he got out and sat in the front on the passenger’s side and told me to sit on his lap. I did. I was so afraid and wanted to go home so badly without being hurt any more that I listened. He kept telling me to kiss him. I kept telling him I had to leave. He finally got out after a while and went to the driver’s side. He drove me home and it was the quietest longest two minutes of my life... anticipating going home and finally being safe... well safer. He dropped me off and texted me right when I got inside. I didn’t answer. He called various times throughout the next couple weeks. I never answered. He mailed me on facebook and told me that “I got the wrong idea.” I never responded. Once I got home and into the bathroom, I saw blood. I knew I wasn’t on my period yet and my vagina really hurt. I stayed in bed the whole next day. I told a friend and he told me I had to tell my mom. I never told her. I told another friend and he told me to tell the police. I never told them. I was so afraid of what would happen to him. I was actually worried about him and I didn’t want him to pay for what he did. I also didn’t want to tell so I wouldn’t get in trouble for sneaking out. I was traumatized.

I went to treatment several times and finally told my counselor about the abuse. She reported it to the rape and abuse crisis center and I had to report it to them too. My parents were there and found out about it all from them. My mom jokingly said afterward, “Well we’ll have to put bars on your windows now.

Moving On, Living in the Moment

One of the most difficult things I have experienced from healing from sexual assault is moving on with my life and living in the moment. I felt like I had lost so much of my childhood and one day I was an "adult" but I felt as if I was stuck in time and I was still 14 years old, but I wasn't, the years were flying by. I felt as if I had lost so much time and I was afraid to lose more so I started to be so consumed with time, and doing things as fast as possible and feeling as if I could never accomplish anything I wanted. I also felt as if I was going through the motions, that I wasn't really living, I could not live in the momemnt. I was so consumed with the past and where I was going that I never focused on where I was in the present moment. Now, eleven years later I am still trying to practice living in the moment. I am taking this time, in the last few days of 2011, to remind myself how much I want to continue to practice and learn how to live in the moment. I am urge you to do the same thing. We can't live in the past, nor can we live in the future. We only have this moment and we need the live it.

Healing Horses

When I was little I rode horses all the time. I became completely addicted to them and every time my parents and I went on a drive they would always shout out, "Horse!” when they saw a farm and I went on a trail ride every time we traveled. Horses are so powerful, strong and magical. I was never afraid of them until one time, due to an unfortunate set of circumstances, I was thrown off. I was bedridden and in the worst pain I had ever been in due to a back injury, I even had to drop college classes because of it. The one thing I loved so much, had hurt me and I became afraid and it was heartbreaking. They became scary and unpredictable and my childlike wonder completely vanished and a harsh reality of these beautiful animals set in, that working with them could harm me. Then in 2008 when I was working on my BA in psychology we had several personal topics come up and I recall talking about how much I missed horses. My instructor encouraged me to face my fears and find again what my soul used to enjoy. So I did. I found a barn and started taking lessons. But my fear was still there; it even got to the point that I would have panic attacks and such extreme anxiety I could not even physically get on the horse. But I continued to push through, knowing that the fear I felt was a small price to pay for the joy and extreme exhilaration I felt after working with a horse. In 2009 I decided I wanted my own horse and I got Tango.  I loved him and the two of us got along perfectly, but then out of nowhere my anxiety, fear and panic attacks came back and for a while even just being near a horse would give me a panic attack. I couldn't ride him any longer. But I didn't give up. I started taking natural horsemanship lessons and working on groundwork and taking more lessons and this year I can finally walk, trot, lope on a horse without having a panic attack! I did my senior project in school on Equine Assisted Psychotherapy and spoke about the healing power of horses as facilitators into our own insight and healing process and I have experienced first hand. Being a survivor of sexual assault it was so emotionally healing to know that I could control a 1200 pound animal, that I could tell him what to do and he would listen, that I too was powerful, could be the alpha and be strong and confident. When I work with horses I walk away feeling as if I could do anything in the world and being able to experience that feeling after feeling completely powerless during an assault has been incredibly healing and I highly recommend survivors to look into therapeutic horse centers. Contact me if you have any questions and I would be happy to help!

My Story of Healing and Strength: Victim vs Survivor vs Living

I have been a rape survivor for 11 years now and I am starting to feel the label of being a "rape victim" slowly starting to rub off of my forehead. It is a long and difficult process to go from being ME to being a victim of a violent crime, to a survivor. I have come to the conclusion that I am both victim and survivor but the meanings change over time. I guess one could also look at it as I was a victim at the time of the rape and as soon as I was able to walk away alive I became a survivor, but that is something that can take time to own. This and many things lead to the difficulty of knowing your identity after being raped. At age 14 I was just trying to discover who I was as a person, then after being raped, I needed to discover who I was despite of it, and let me tell you, honestly, it took years. It is not that I disappeared completely, but that my true self was overshadowed by my victimization and as I slowly stopped feeling like a victim and more of a survivor. I was able to surface again, like coming to the top of the water to take a gulp of air. I no longer think of my assault on a daily basis, my fear of being raped again is no longer a compulsive thought, which for me was a huge step in the healing process. At the beginning I felt as if I had a big sign on me that said, "I was raped." I felt as if everyone knew and was looking at me and judging me. After I stopping feeling like a victim and more like a survivor, which by the way the definition from the dictionary is below:

Definition of SURVIVE from www.merriam-webster.com

intransitive verb

1

: to remain alive or in existence : live on

2

: to continue to function or prosper

So I was obviously surviving, I was breathing, waking up in the morning and going about my day. I was functioning. But I was not LIVING. I was existing and going through the motions of life, but not fully feeling it or experiencing it. I feel as if I am now finally starting to live, it took almost 10 years to feel this way and there was not one single event or day that I felt a change but just realizing that I did not think about my assault or have the fear of being assaulted again for a few days. That I went out at night with out feeling fear. That I am starting to pursue things that I enjoy and that make me happy. I am finally LIVING.

And I love it.

My Story of Healing and Strength: Intro

It has been 11 years since my sexual assault and 11 years since I started my path on learning how to heal and gather my strength to become the person I was meant to be, despite the fact I was raped at 14. I would like to begin posting frequently under "My Story of Healing and Strength" in hope others walking down the same path can gather hope from my posts. You will also see posts under "Healing Power of Horses" and "Phototherapy" as these are two of the things that have helped me immensely on my journey. Good luck on your journey, I look forward to sharing mine with you.

Regain Your Voice: New Design!

Welcome to the NEW Regain Your Voice site! A very special thank you to Claudia Sutton for designing the new site! I look forward to posting on the new site!

Eliina

Ways to Protect Yourself and be Aware

*Information gathered from RAINN

While you can never completely protect yourself from sexual assault, there are some things you can do to help reduce your risk of being assaulted. These are some of my personal tips I follow that are recommended by RAINN.

• Be aware of your surroundings. Knowing where you are and who is around you may help you to find a way to get out of a bad situation. If I am going some place new I always make sure I have my gps with me or a map printed out and someone knows where I am going and when I should be back.
• Try to avoid isolated areas. It is more difficult to get help if no one is around. I avoid isolated areas like the plague, I also fully try to trust my gut instincts and if something doesn’t feel right I leave. Which is also the reason I always drive myself places and don’t catch rides with friends.
• Walk with purpose. Even if you don’t know where you are going, act like you do. I always try to walk with strong tall posture, keys in one pocket, cell phone in the other and I look straight ahead and walk with a purpose.
• Trust your instincts. If a situation or location feels unsafe or uncomfortable, it probably isn’t the best place to be. I am always ready to leave someplace I don’t feel comfortable and always have a backup plan incase I start to feel uncomfortable.
• Try not to load yourself down with packages or bags as this can make you appear more vulnerable. When ever I am going to my car I have my keys in hand and try to have one hand free, and I am quick. I don’t hang around my car fiddling with shopping bag, door is opened, bags in and as I close my door I lock it instantaneously. It has become a habit.
• Make sure your cell phone is with you and charged and that you have cab money. I need to get better about having some form of money on me, but I never go anyplace with out my phone.
• Don't allow yourself to be isolated with someone you don’t trust or someone you don’t know. This is the reason why I always drive myself places.
• Avoid putting music headphones in both ears so that you can be more aware of your surroundings, especially if you are walking alone. A must, very important in order to be fully aware of your surroundings.

Sexual assault is a crime of motive and opportunity. Ultimately, there is no surefire way to prevent an attack. If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, it’s not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotlines at 1-800.656.HOPE, and online at rainn.org

Regaining Her Voice: Jennifer's Story

How old were you at the time of the assault(s)?

19

How old are you currently?

40

Did you know the person(s) who committed the assault(s)? Where did the assault(s) happen?

Yes, he was a friend of a roommate. It happened in my dorm room.

Did you tell anyone about the assault(s) at the time?

The next day I managed to tell a girl I knew.

Did the assault(s) go to a court trial? Was there a sentencing? If so, how long?

No, I never reported it.

Do you think they will commit sexual assault again?

I don't know

What would you like to say to others about sexual assault?

Sexual assault is not what people think. It isn't something you see coming. It isn't something you can prepare for. It is a frightening, life changing, blood chilling moment where everything you thought you knew about the world changes and you don't know how to survive, or even if you want to. What I didn't understand until recently was that they can take your body, but you have to give them your soul. I believed that I had done something wrong. I believed it had something to do with me and I let those beliefs take who I was away from me. I gave him my soul. Now I'm taking it back.

What would you like to say about this project?

This project is a chance for survivors to reclaim themselves.

My Story:

I was a college freshman and I was a virgin. I had been in love a few times but it was little kid love, nothing that had led to anything. I wasn't sure how I felt about sex but I didn't really think about it. It wasn't central to my personality. I went through several roommates that year, one was a work-a-holic and was up all night so I couldn't sleep, one was a pot head who hung a huge tree branch on the wall and couldn't understand why I didn't just want to try drugs. She would always emphasize try like that somehow made it different from doing drugs. It just wasn't me. My third roommate was local, which I was not, and part of her appeal was that she 'belonged'. She was a New Yorker and she was cool. She was friends with cool people, they went out clubbing, they dressed well, they threw parties and because I was her roommate I was on the fringes of all of that. One night she went out and a bunch of her friends came over to hang out with her. When I was there they decided to hang out anyway. I was in heaven. It was like an acknowledgement that I wasn't some yokel but that I was almost a real New Yorker...or at least that they thought I was cool enough to be. I had never been a drinker, I had gone out a few times to a local place that didn't ask for ID's but I just didn't like the taste of strong alcohol and I didn't know there were other, sweeter, kinds. That night they introduced me to a malt drink that was some kind of coconut tasting thing. I drank it because it was sweet and I enjoyed the feeling of being tipsy. I was also enjoying the attention of one of the guys who was getting more focused on me than the other guys were. I was flattered. He was cute and he was cool and he liked me. Me, not my roommate, not someone else, me. As the night wore on we went to the store to buy more to drink, and my memory gets sketchy but I know we went back to the room and everyone hung out for a while but all of a sudden they were gone. He put on Sade and I think we were dancing. I know he kissed me and I liked it. Then I woke up on the floor because I was in pain. I was lying on the floor and he was over me and I truly didn't understand. Then I realized my jeans were around my ankles and he was half undressed too. As I got up I realized there was blood everywhere and that's when I realized what had happened. I didn't know what to do. I was in shock. He said I should clean up and we could get some sleep so I did. We got into bed and were only lying there a short time when the buzzer sounded. It was my roommates boyfriend looking for her and a place to sleep. I let him in and thought maybe he would make the man in my bed leave. Instead he all but passed out. Meanwhile over in my bed, he tried to touch me again and I was trying to find a way to convince him to stop when I heard my roommates boyfriend say 'see, I told her you wouldn't care'. I was mystified so I asked 'care about what?' to which he answered 'if we had sex while you were here'. Clearly he was not any help. Eventually we all fell asleep. I slept for an hour or so and when I woke up I saw the bloodstains all over the floor, our clothes...it all came back to me. I wanted him to leave. I cleaned up, got dressed in which stretch pants, a white sweater and white socks and went upstairs to the tv room with my white blanket to wait until the men woke up and left. It never occurred to me to wake someone up, I didn't want to bother them. I did go through his wallet and found a slip with girls clothing sizes on them and in my head I thought, 'it could be for his sister or his mom'. I had, in my delusion, convinced myself he had done what he did because he liked me. I wanted to be liked so that made it ok. Which meant I could still function. Eventually he woke up and left but not until I had got back and forth for hours trying to see if they were awake yet. When he finally left he treated me as if we had shared something pleasant. I'll never forget him leaning on the desk by the door, his shorts covered with my blood and his face showing he wanted to get out without me thinking he wanted anything more than one night. I was relieved and crushed. I wanted it to be something he did because he liked me, which then made it ok in my head, but I didn't ever want to wake up on the floor again and be embarrassed by someone knowing he was trying to touch me. I finally called another local girl I knew. I would have told my roommate but she had gone home and the phone company was on strike and I couldn't have that conversation in the hallway by the front door. I called the other girl because she was a little bit wild but nice and I knew she would just come. She did come but when she did she told me the best thing was not to let him know that what happened bothered me. She helped me pick the sexiest thing I owned and we hung out in the tv room like we were waiting to hear from friends about our plans for the night. She said his friends had to see what happened didn't matter to me so he would know. I don't even remember what we did that night. All I remember about that period of time was that one of his friends, who was living in the dorm, but was one of the most scary and street wise and unsympathetic people I had ever met, was taunting me about how he had a girlfriend and it didn't matter what I tried I wasn't going to get his friend. After a few days I finally snapped and turned to him and said if that was what he thought then he should talk to his friend about how he had left the room covered in my blood. He never said anything to me ever again. I was in my early thirties when I finally stopped saying 'the first time I had sex it was not my choice' and actually said the word rape. I was in my mid-thirties when other events finally made it impossible for me to keep it a secret from my parents anymore. My father left the house and has never spoken to me about it. My mother was in shock and I tried to be fair since I had been living with it so I said I would tell her what happened if she wanted but that she didn't have to hear it. She said that for then she just thought it would be better not to. To this day she has never asked. I've been in therapy for years and I am finally starting to reclaim my soul but it is a constant struggle. Sometimes it takes so much of my energy that the rest of my life suffers but I keep taking it one day at a time. He took everything from me and you can't get everything back overnight but every time I reclaim some part of me I know I am one step closer to being whole again.


*** Click Here Share Your Story ***

Important News Article

Rape on a College Campus

Regaining Her Voice: Brandy's Story

How old were you at the time of the assault(s)?

19

How old are you currently?

33

Did you know the person(s) who committed the assault(s)?

Yes

Did you tell anyone about the assault(s) at the time?

No

Did the assault(s) go to a court trial? Was there a sentencing? If so, how long?

No

Do you think they will commit sexual assault again?

Yes

What would you like to say to others about sexual assault?

Please, please please report it...I didn't and many don't but I should have.

What would you like to say about this project?

Great way to help those who are victims.

My Story:

I knew him and it happened in my apartment. 

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Regain Your Voice in National News!

I was recently interviewed by the Associated Press and they mentioned Regain Your Voice. If you haven't seen the article you can view it here:

Some fear chilling effect on women reporting rapes

I was surprised how far and wide the article spread, I found online that it even got to Hawaii!!

If you are visiting because of this AP article, where did you read about Regain Your Voice??